The Review, The Eve Before

It’s the last evening before my moment of truth, and honestly I don’t feel any more confident than when I started a week ago.  Or indeed, a month before, when I made up my mind that, yeah, this term was the trimester that I’d take the program’s comprehensive exam.  I’m anxious all the way to Sunday, to put it mildly, and I’m in constant fear that all that knowledge I’d forcefully crammed into my head over the past few days might figuratively just pour out at the most inopportune moment.  Or even worse, everything will just turn into a jumbled mess, and I’d mix up Barthe’s theories with Kristeva’s.

Ugh.

I’m a worried mess right now, and there’s still quite a bit of the evening to go.  I honestly want to spend it more on review, but I think a few hours of sleep will do my frazzled nerves much better than any energy drink (which I’ve been imbibing copiously again over the week).  And it doesn’t help that said energy drinks leave me with at least half an hour’s worth of lethargy before their effects kick in and keep me awake for twelve hours…

Speaking of energy drinks… All those calories made me gain poundage again.  Ugh.  If I pass, there’s a lot of catching up at the gym to do.

Well, if I pass.  I want to pass, especially considering what I’ve had to sacrifice to even prepare for the exam (14 days off work is a big deal for a part-timer!), both in time and in money (and the application itself isn’t cheap!).  As it is, I don’t think I can take not passing.  Ugh.

All this negative thinking isn’t going to do me any good.  Going to do some last-minute reading, set my alarm for an early day so I can review one last time, then off to bed.

The Review, Day Four

I didn’t go to school this time around, and instead tried to do some studying here at home.  Since my sister isn’t here during weekdays, her room is sort of perfect for this, where it’s bright and — more importantly — it’s far from the computer and its distractions.

It went as well as you’d expect: I blasted through three books (The Praying Man, State of War, and Dekada ’70)… then promptly fell asleep for the afternoon and most of the early evening.  I kind of forgot how comfortable my sister’s bed and pillows were, compared to my own (I have to get my own mattress replaced somehow), and the gaggle of stuffed animals she had lining it just sealed the deal.

I’ll see if I can squeeze one more reading tonight (the likeliest candidate is Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood), but it’s not really a sure thing.  And with only two days left until the exam, well, I can’t say I’m all that confident.

Oh well, gotta continue.

Comprehensive Exam Anxiety

Went to school as promised to attend the little orientation for those who’re interested in taking the comprehensive examinations for the term.  I arrived five minutes late (the start was supposedly one in the afternoon) at the Literature Department, and for several awkward moments I was worried I went to the wrong place, since the door to the room was locked.  There was another girl who arrived after me — taking up Literature rather than Creative Writing — and together we waited in the hall for someone to help us out (while hurriedly accessing the school’s Wi-Fi to check our mail to see if we were in the wrong place).

Barely ten minutes past one, the door opened, and out came another student.  Apparently the orientation had started already, but someone had locked the door for privacy.  Thankful, me and my companion quietly went to the small corner of the faculty room where the orientation was taking place.  We weren’t as late as we thought we were, as they hadn’t gone into the details and expectations about the exam itself.  There were about, hmm, six of us post-grad students, all told, but even then it sure felt crowded in that small corner of the room where everyone had been seated in.

I won’t bore anyone with the details of the actual orientation, but here are the important points: the exam itself was divided into three or four odd phases, with most of it scheduled on October 20th, though for those who were going get a take-home portion (which is to say, the Creative Writing students like myself) the deadline for submission was on the 27th at five in the afternoon.  As the name suggests, the exam will pretty much test just how much we’ve learned and could apply over our two-odd year stay in our respective programs.

 I think it’s at this point that I started groaning in dismay, to the amusement of the others there.

So, we have until the 10th to finish all prerequisites (such as the Certificate of Completion), as well as submit the Comprehensive Exam application form, then prepare for the exam proper.  Not really a lot of time to do reviewing, which is why I’m going to probably request for a Leave of Absence again from work so I can properly prepare.  The pressure is very real, as you really can only fail at it once, as if you retake the exam twice you’ll have to be forced to take a refresher course on your program.  And if you fail after THAT, well, you’re drummed out of the program.  Yikes.

Speaking of the Certificate of Completion, I had a bit of trouble with that.  You see, I submitted mine last term, but remember I didn’t go through with the comprehensive that time (cold feet plus lack of review material can do that to a person).  So when I told the facilitator for this term’s exam (Dr. Baytan) that technically the department already had it… they couldn’t find it.  Which is ironic, since the previous term it was my academic records they couldn’t find.  Huh.

After the orientation was finished (I guess the good professor was satisfied in scaring all of us out of our wits), we relocated to a nearby pasta and pizzeria for a merienda paid for by the department.  While waiting for the food (I ordered a small beef pizza if anyone is curious), we talked some more about our expectations on the exam.  What worries we had were put aside when the food arrived though, of which we stuffed ourselves with gusto.

We adjourned for real after that, with all that pressure again hanging over our shoulders.  Ugh.

P.S. The department called my house a few minutes after I got home, informing me that they finally did find my Certificate of Academic Completion. This meant that all I needed to submit was an updated list of my grades, as well as the actual Compre application form.  I’ll do that on Monday, so I can spend the rest of the time from that point worrying, I mean, preparing for the exam itself.

 

 

 

Rainy Days and Fridays

Although I told my father that I was dropping by the DLSU campus earlier, all I really wanted to do was get out of the house.  Not for any particular reason really, but I just wanted to take an afternoon walk.  The weather outside was conducive to walking as well, with the sun hidden behind a good amount of cloud cover.  It would be a shame not to take advantage of it.

I didn’t start on my usual route, and instead made a quick detour to the nearby Mr. Quickie (for those not in the know, it’s a bag and shoe-repair franchise here) to pick up the pair of shoes I had fixed there.  In truth, I should have picked them up days before, but I kept forgetting to do so since I normally went straight home after work.  Since I was going out, I figured I might as well get them.

With the shoes retrieved, I started on my walk.  Suffice to say it was uneventful, at least until I was just past Makati Med.  Because it was then when it started raining.  Although I was made aware that it was coming (the echoing and very loud thunder as I got to Buendia was clue enough), I was hoping that I would be close to Landmark at least before the deluge fell.  

I had no such luck, obviously.  It wasn’t as hard as you’d expect a sudden downpour to be, but it was enough to give me a good sprinkling.  I did manage to get to the covered walkway that ran through most of Dela Rosa St., so the rain didn’t trouble me much after that.  I followed the walkway through to the Landmark, but once I got to Glorietta I just had to pass by the Mercury Drug store that was just beside Rustan’s, if only to use the weight measurement machine they had there.

There was a time where I used the machine a lot, but in the wake of the bingeing brought about by my previous school term, I was far too scared to even see how much I ballooned.  However in the wake of my newfound resolve, I figured that I’d have to use it again, if only to see just how much I’ll have to lose before the term ends (hopefully).  

What I found was shocking to say the least, as it looks like I gained at least ten kilos from my ideal weight.  That’s… a daunting figure, particularly for someone like me who was not only cursed with a slow metabolism, but had also been indulging in a sedentary lifestyle for months.  The fact that I’ve been experiencing tightness in my chest these past few weeks does not help, as it means I’ll have to rely on dieting plus low-impact exercise to trim down, instead of the jogging I used to do.

It’s going to be a trying few weeks, to say the least.  If we don’t count the obvious glut of food that would come with my birthday in a few days, I’m going to really have to watch my consumption from now on. Hopefully I can stay the course, as I’m not enjoying looking at myself in the morning, then seeing the love handles I’ve gotten.

Myssa, fight-o!

Startling Lack of Energy

As the title of this journal entry says, I’ve been experiencing an unusual lack of energy since the start of this week.  While I’m sure that part of it was due to my bingeing on Guild Wars during the weekend — for the curious, I went and earned the Canthan Skill Hunter, Survivor, Elonian Skill Hunter, and Legendary Skill Hunter titles, in that order, over the course of little over twenty-four hours, minus sleep time and the time I had to go to work on Sunday — part of it is also due to the lack of enough sleep.  

And this isn’t due to my occasional bouts of insomnia either, or brought by over-watching my downloaded anime backlog, oh no…  I’ve been experiencing nagging back aches for the past few days, particularly the area around my left shoulder and my lower back, and it’s making it really hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.  It’s gotten to the point where it’s nearly impossible to lie on my back for an extended period.  

I understand that I’m not getting any younger, and that stuff like this should be expected of a person my age, but for the problems to appear over the course of a few days is worrying.  If things don’t ease up soon, I might have to get a check-up at my doctor.  This might turn out to be something a simple backrub could ease, after all.

Going Through Motions

It’s enrollment time tomorrow, at least for people like me who somehow managed to miss the online adjustment set during the first week of April.  I won’t go directly to school of course, as I’ll still have to select the classes I have to take, as well as the schedules and professors for them, but it shouldn’t be too difficult once I reactivate my online profile.  In my experience, the whole affair, barring the actual visit to school to actually pay for the classes I enrolled in, takes less than thirty minutes.

The thing is though, I’m a little worried about reactivating my account.  In fact, I’ve been dithering about doing it for the past week, instead of just being done with it.  Why?  Well, I’m worried, that’s why.  Worried that the grades I would find for my previous term wouldn’t be… satisfactory.  I performed terribly last term, and obviously I’m terrified at seeing the end result of my mediocrity.  

I’ll have to do it eventually though.  Just not tonight.

Maybe Just A Little

It’s a little funny just how little money I have these days to spend on myself.  I don’t even have savings anymore, so it’s no wonder how I count the days until the next payday, if only so that my bank account can just live a while longer.  I don’t think this is tenable in the long run though, what with my father effectively retired (barring another project in Singapore) and my mother coming home this year, which means that I’ll eventually have to go find full-time work, as part-time work just isn’t cutting it.

Although I’d be happy to land a job in a communications or mass-communications-related line of work (to build up experience), the sad fact is the pay isn’t that good for a full-time employee.  That means that, despite the lack of obvious job security, I’ll have to fall back on the BPO industry yet again.  With my experience, I think I’m good for a position that pays at least 19,000 PHP (approximately 450-odd US Dollars per month), but I’m more worried about work shifts conflicting with my school schedules, which unlike the times kept by these companies are pretty much inviolate.

Well that, and I’ve pretty much learned the hard way that I have a serious problem balancing my work time with the time I’m supposed to be spending on my studies and school projects.  Heck, even with the 4-hour shift I kept during the previous term I had trouble getting my assignments and projects done.  Add in the fact that I easily build up stress and, well, it’s an academic disaster waiting to happen.

At these times I wish I had the fraction of my sister’s time-keeping skills.  She finished her own Master’s degree course just last term (in Business Administration, for those who’re wondering), despite the fact that she held a full-time position as a Quality Control analyst in the company she worked on.  That’s something to be admired, yet it’s also something I don’t think I can duplicate.  Yes, I’m that hopeless.

I could always lessen the time  spend watching anime… On second thought, no, that’s not something I can do.

*sigh* I better sort this out before nanay finally comes home from the US, or else the household will be in really big trouble, as I’ll be working yet still be unable to help with my share of the expenses (due to having a low-paying job).

On a less serious note…

Lack of subs aside, I’m really liking Yes! Precure Five Go! Go!  (though less so its first season, Yes! Precure Five, but that’s a story for another time).  What passes for plot is easy to understand (the wonders of being written for kids), the heroines are likeable, and their magical girl designs are easy on the eyes.  If it wasn’t already obvious by the pic above, I like Milky Rose’s in particular, though I’ve always been enamored of floral themes (which is why I absolutely LOVED Heartcatch).

Now if only the bouts of QUALITY were as easy to ignore.  When you know that the off-model moments are there, it’s hard not to see them every other scene.  Mmph.

Unpleasant Wakings

I wanted to talk about something else today, but you can excuse me a bit if I don’t talk about myself for a change.  Apparently a massive earthquake (8.9 on the Richter scale) hit the Eastern Japanese coastline today, and currently the greater part of the Pacific Rim is on tsunami watch for the rest of the night.  Manila is in no danger of course, as we’re on the Western side of the main island, but the Northeast coastlines of Luzon is expected to be hit by the first set of waves from 6 pm (now) to 7 pm.  It’s a good thing that, since the Philippines is so far from the epicenter of the quake, that the government has had time to warn the people living on the coasts, and as such have them evacuated, but I can’t imagine what it could have been like near Ground Zero.

The news footage so far paint it very horrific, with an almost unstoppable wall of water and debris, and I’m having bad memories of the 2004 Indian Ocean quake.  The fatalities so far are low for an earthquake of its power, but that probably owes to the Japanese paranoia with regards to earthquakes in general.  It’s still not pleasant to think about.  It’s even more unpleasant, since I know more than a few people who live in the Kanagawa area, some of whom are old classmates.  I hope they’re safe…

Argh, this was not the news I was expecting to wake up to.  Now I’ll have this at the back of my mind for the rest of tonight’s training session.  As if Madoka episode 10 wasn’t bad enough.

Nothing Scarier

Another day, yet another afternoon and evening without anything creative to show for it.  One would have thought that, in the eight-odd hours that I’ve been awake since I got home from work, I’d have been able to write something…but no.  I’m starting to fear that my problem isn’t the lack of talent, but motivation. And for someone who wants to be a writer (in some fashion), there’s nothing scarier than the thought that the only reason why one couldn’t write anything is because one doesn’t want to to begin with.

That, or I’m easily distracted.

I’m betting on the latter, actually. With the sheer amount of stuff I have in my computer, it’d be surprising if my attention doesn’t stray to a game I have in one of my numerous hard drives.  Or to an episode of an anime show I just downloaded.  Or to a PDF of a book supplement of a game system or franchise I follow (Deathwatch RPG, I’m looking at you).  Or suddenly getting the urge to browse Pixiv for all the art I’d never be able to emulate.

The reasons go on and on, it’s kind of pathetic.

Maybe I should follow the advice of some of my friends, and take all of my (word processor-reliant) writing to my laptops, to keep the distractions to the bare minimum.  Although they do have games in them, I won’t be able to play them because of the fact that they’re MMOs, and I just happen to lack the extra LAN cables to connect them to my household network.

Thinking about it now, that definitely sounds like a good idea.

Shoring up Emotional Defenses

… Or I’d like to think so. Honestly I’m still worried about tomorrow’s class, but I think I’ve come to the point where I’ve accepted that my classmates, teacher, and the guest panelist will rip my submitted concept apart.  I’ll try to be strong about it, but after reading through the four other stories that are also up for critique tomorrow, I’m not too sure anymore.  Why?  Because of all the concepts up for review, mine looks like the weakest so far, especially in terms of execution. It’s really that bad.

*sigh*  I’m really bumbling into this blindly.

And as for conveniently not coming to class to avoid the emotional onslaught that will come? Not possible, since we have to submit a written critique of each story.

So much for that idea.

Speaking of which, I have to finish those critiques.  It won’t ease my mind any, but it needs to be done anyway.

It’s going to be a depressing day tomorrow, though.  Oh well, at least I’ll have a excuse to marathon ARIA again. That’s something to look forward to, at least.